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Damien: Stoney’s big day
was coming soon. He’s gonna be getting married and unfortunately
for him, I was put in charge of throwing his bachelor party.
I was gonna throw him a party for his 21st birthday a few years
ago too, but the little bitch skipped town on me with his mommy
and daddy because he was afraid of what I might do to him. He
was smart, but I am patient.
StOnEy SToneD: The ball and
chain is about to get heavier and my legs about to fuckin break.
Tom Stud: I loved the fact
that you guys kidnapped him.
StOnEy SToneD: I’m glad
you did because I thought it was a crock of bubbling shit.
Damien: Yeah that was cool.
Me and Danimal told him that his party was going to be on a Saturday
night, when we had the show with Carbon 9 at The Gig. We told
him that we were gonna put him on stage and do a bunch of crazy
shit to him.
Danimal: I mentioned to him
Three Sixes were going to be playing with The Genitorturers and
the singer was going to pierce his dode.
Damien: I heard about that.
Stoney was calling both me and Danimal and was freaking out.
I told him we really weren’t playing with The Genitorturers,
but I had no control over who came into the club. If Jen from
The Genitorturers just happened to be there, I wouldn’t
stop her. Besides, we told him all of this shit so he wouldn’t
skip town on me again on the night of his party. I convinced
his fiancée to keep his ass at home so we could kidnap
him the night before. It worked great, he never saw it coming.
Stoney wanted to know what time we would be picking him up on
Saturday, when he actually believed his party was going to happen,
because he didn’t want to be waking up at “The buttcrack
of dawn”. I told him that I would PROMISE that I wouldn’t
be at his house anytime before 12 noon on Saturday. I wasn't
lying...I also told him not to panic or worry, "This will
be great, trust me." I also said to him as he was going
crazy not knowing what we were gonna do: “Believe me man,
this whole thing will be over sooner than you think.” He
never did get the hints I was throwing at him, the little fucker.
Contrary to what he thought, we would be picking him up on Friday,
at 6:30pm.
StOnEy SToneD: Moral of the
short story: Don’t ever fuckin trust someone who says “Trust
me”, especially Damien…actually don’t trust ANYTHING
Damien is in cahoots with.
Danimal: So we (Me, Damien,
Cameron and one of Stoney’s friends Marcus) were picked
up in a huge limo and we headed to Stoney’s to pick him
up next. We showed up and he was pissed off. We were laughing
and already drinking. There was nowhere to run to and he was
outnumbered. He had to go with us, he didn’t have a choice.
Next we were off to Zeus’ place where things were going
to begin with a few other friends. At this time, we were keeping
the numbers of people down, telling Stoney that all of the bullshit
we told him about being onstage with a ton of people for his
bachelor party was a lie. We’re just keeping it small with
a few friends tonight, to keep things "intimate" but
he didn’t buy it.
StOnEy SToneD: If you ask me,
Danimal was like a rat fuckin eating cheese the week the party
was going down and couldn’t be trusted, just as much as
Damien. They were all cons in my book.
Zeus: Not much really happened.
They got to my place. I think he was a little stunned over the
whole thing and he was telling me about being picked up. He thought
things were a little strange as his woman was numbing his senses
with more pot than normal. When he heard Danimal’s special
knock on the door he knew something was up. He mentioned though
that he was a little bummed because there was so few people.
“This is it?” he asked, and we told him yes.
Damien: Next, we grabbed Zeus,
Hatchette, JJ and jumped back in the limo, along with our driver/friend
Ken and his buddy George to head off to The Hustler Club. Cameron
came through as he used to be a bouncer there and got all of
us in the door for free.
StOnEy SToneD: Cameron, the
sneaky poon-lagoon eating freak was in the back powder room slappin
asses telling who to give the VIP dances to. It was a good night
for me (you butterfucks) at this point.
Zeus: We loaded Stoney up with
some ones, a few more beers and bought him some lap dances. Got
him a shot of Tequila, he didn’t want to drink it, but did.
After about an hour we went back to my place. When we got back
in the limo, I made a comment that Stoney could hear that "we
had the duct tape." He looked over with a little panic.
Damien: I remember that. That
was when I told him that the newest thing at a bachelor party
was getting an enema in front of everyone. We all laughed. Stoney
was getting scared.
StOnEy SToneD: Scared was an
understatement. I felt like a chicken running through Ethiopia!
Zeus: Scared didn’t hit
his face until we got back to my house. We should’ve duct
taped him to the telephone pole until the end of the night and
just back the animal into him.
Damien: That would have been
great. Maybe next time…
StOnEy SToneD: You were being
nice when you said an animal. I was only to find out soon that
it looked more like a T-Rex from Jurassic Park that was carrying
2 babies in its arms.
Zeus: We had a few more people
show up. Miraslov was one of them. Stoney knew something/someone
was in the game room. We eventually got him into the game room
and blindfolded him after he got a glimpse of the chair with
it’s own spotlight on it.
Damien: Next came in our prize.
There “she” was in all of her 68 years of 48F cups,
250+ of cellulite-ridden pounds, 3-layers of underwear wearing
glory. She was Stoney’s stripper, with a gut bigger than
any of ours and saggy tits that hung down to her waistline. Game
on. After a few minutes of total laughter, Stoney removed the
blindfold. He was horrified.
StOnEy SToneD: The fellows
left enough room for me to see underneath the blindfold, and
all I saw were some wrinkled-ass, hairy, tree branch looking
toes in black fuckin nylons wearing Jesus sandals and reeked
of a French whorehouse and I was a 9 year old Swedish boy that
she was going to have for dinner. (and she looked fuckin hungry!)
This is bad berries for me!
Zeus: (Laughing) I was laughing
so hard I don’t remember all of it. I couldn’t see
Stoney past the layers of cellulite. As she wrapped her boobs
around his head the little guy disappeared. I was taking pictures
the rest of the time, trying to get every angle and circling
the room. Especially when Hatchett was telling me to go to different
sides of the room since she was bending over in pure nastiness.
StOnEy SToneD: I was still
sane as a sane man could be in the asylum of Damien until I noticed
the discolored tapioca mess that had been festering between her
legs. (Take a look at the picture if you don’t believe me.
It was a sloppy plate to eat off of).
Headbang: Still wished you
would have gotten the male stripper, but the old lady was just
as good.
StOnEy SToneD: You know, Headbang,
you’re a sick little fuckin puppy and I think the doctor
has been under-medicating you lately.
Damien: Well, if we couldn’t
find an old, fat woman, the male stripper was gonna be our backup
plan, but we scored. She was disgusting and I loved it. That
was classic. But basically after the fear wore off of him, it
wasn’t much fun for us anymore.
StOnEy SToneD: Those fucks
called “friends” left me after 3 dragged out songs
all alone with this beast with what I would diagnose personally
as a bad case of hemorrhoidal flare up.
Damien: Face it, you loved
it man.
Zeus: He was probably thinking,
“Is this all you got?”.
StOnEy SToneD: That’s
not what I was thinking you candy ass. By the way…. (farts,
then wipes)
Damien: In fact I think you
started to enjoy yourself as you were getting comfortable with
the situation. So it was time to go.
StOnEy SToneD: Let me tell
you, she had some PHAT granny panties!
Zeus: As she was leaving she
grabbed a beer and some fruit and put them in her purse. Luckily
there was nothing else on the counter.
Pukeahontas: Got Cake?
StOnEy SToneD: I was just thankful
the hard working senior citizen didn’t try to put me in
her purse.
Zeus: She was gone and that
was good.
Damien: We had to keep things
rolling, so we loaded everybody, now including Miraslov, back
into the limo. We headed off to a little German bar that I like
to frequent. There’s not a lot of people there and most
of them are either really old or really punk rock. They got killer
food and killer beer. So we stopped by for a few. As we were
drinking, a couple of 70+ year old, fat, German women joined
us for a few drinks and smothered Stoney’s head in their
massive German boobs. Stoney was loving all the fat Geritol-Love
flowing around him. But the fun has not yet begun.
StOnEy SToneD: I think those
women wanted some of my fresh Bratwurst!
Damien: Yeah they did. I kept
an eye on the time, so far everything was running like clockwork.
While all of this was going on, there was actually a real party
going on back at my house. Our psychotic bass-player Aleister
was collecting the $30 per head donation from everyone who showed
and kept things running smoothly. Stoney had no idea this was
going on or what was yet to come, so we had to keep moving to
keep him off-balance. We loaded the 8 of us once again, into
the limo and were off to my place where the real shit was going
to hit the fan. We were supposed to be at my house at 11pm sharp.
StOnEy SToneD: I noticed Damien
watching the time like I was actually going to an enema appointment
soon and he didn’t want me to be late.
Tom Stud: Meanwhile, back at
the house, we were waiting for the boys to get back. We had music
playing, food being eaten and the alcohol flowing. The guys partying
at Damien’s start to get antsy, wanting to know where the
bitches and hookers were. Around 11pm, Aleister (Al for short)
informed me that Damien called and the limo was on it’s
way. When the limo pulled up we all got out to greet Stoney and
the boys. As he walked into the house Stoney had a look on his
face of absolute bewilderment. Little did he know that debauchery
was just about to begin. All Stoney kept whining about was how
old his stripper was and how big she was and how wrong it was.
He kept going on and on about how her tits were hanging down
past her belly. But even after his horrifying experience, he
kept on drinking and partying and working the room.
StOnEy SToneD: Come on boys,
she looked like she could play turd soccer with her tits!
Damien: You’re in denial,
man. Admit it, you loved the flabness.
StOnEy SToneD: I did hear denial
was the first stage though…
Aleister: The first moment
Stoney laid his eyes on me, I saw nothing but pure terror in
his beedy, little eyes as he knew how deadly the combination
that Damien and I CAN BE At this
moment a rare occasion came across my face-it was a smile.
StOnEy SToneD: The only thing
I was thankful for until that moment was Al being nowhere in
sight, boy did those hopes come crashing down like Martha Stewart
and the stock exchange. But I would have loved to go to jail
instead. At least I would have been safe.
Damien: The 2 chicks that were
supposed to be here at 11pm to do a double-dildo show for all
of us were running late. I had nothing to do with booking these
women. But I had seen them at a friends bachelor party a few
months ago and they were great. It was one of the few shows that
I actually remembered. My favorite part of that bachelor party
was when they could fuck each other at the same time with this
big ass double dong, with each one switching positions every
minute or so and never, either one of them, ever, touching the
double dildo while they were bumping uglies. That was cool. I
was down for a repeat performance.
StOnEy SToneD: This is where
my first blackout started to happen, I kind of recall.
Tom Stud: Yeah! When I found
out that we were going to use the same girls from the last bachelor
party, I knew it was going to be a great show! And I knew I would
be spending a lot of cash! Hey, wasn’t Stoney looking pretty
ghostly at about this time?
Damien: Yeah, That was hot.
He looked like shit. That’s when I wanted to make him puke
so he wouldn’t pass out and could party some more.
Puke-a-hontas: He cornered
me before and after that, whining about how he wanted me to take
him home. I of course, declined, telling him he should just relax
and have fun. Poor thing, all he wanted to do was go home.
Aleister: The whole time he
kept saying “I want to go home and I want my mommy.”
He was absolutely terrified!
Damien: Fuck that little punk.
There was a party going on here for him and damn it, he wasn’t
going anywhere or going to be passed out as it was happening.
Not as long as I could help it. So I grabbed Aleister and Tom
Stud to watch my bedroom door so that nobody would interrupt
me trying to make Stoney sick.
As he held himself up against 2 walls, hovering over the toilet,
I was telling him to barf…and how much better he’d
feel if he did. He didn’t want to. So, I grabbed a shot
of cheap tequila from the kitchen and stuck it under Stoney’s
nose. I told him to take a deep wiff and just smell it.
StOnEy SToneD: It was more
like Damien trying to make me drink it through my nose.
Damien: Well it worked didn’t
it?. It worked pretty good, actually. He threw up a few mouthfuls
of food and beer...then Stoney went for the gusto. He grabbed
the shot glass out of my hand, downed the whole shot and instantly
gave the full-on Technicolor yawn all over my toilet and floor.
I was cheering and laughing as he yacked. So was Tom and Aleister.
It was great. What a mess, it went everywhere. We were laughing
so hard, I almost pissed myself. Oh well, he feels better and
will now be somewhat coherent. It’s time to rock.
StOnEy SToneD: My second re-birth into the Satanic world of the
bachelor party.
Puke-a-hontas: One of the bouncers,
a nerdy looking dude with thick glasses and a fag bag finally
showed up about 12:30ish with one of the girls and went back
into Damiens room.
Tom Stud: Even after the first
girl showed up LATE, we still had to wait for the second girl,
at which time, the first girl went outside to give directions
to the second girl on her cell phone. People were starting to
get pissed and were wondering what the hell was going on. The
girls were supposed to start at 11pm. A couple of the guys got
so pissed off over how long it was taking that they said “screw
it” and left.
Damien: Finally, it’s
fucking 1am and the second chick just shows up. We hurry into
my bedroom where me and a few bros go over the money situation
with the two dorks known as bouncers and the 2 cunts known as
dancers. Everyone that was still here was pretty stoked and pretty
wasted. The bitches were hot and a few of us knew what we were
in for. Well, we thought we knew anyway.
Aleister: As the second stripper
arrived with her “mini–me” looking bouncer and
small man syndrome to match, he very rudely came through the
gate, hitting me and not even acknowledging my existence. At
this point I suspected something bad was going to happen.
StOnEy SToneD: He kind of looked
like an albino Gary Coleman.
Tom Stud: This is about the
time that Damien kicked me and Stoney out of the room so that
he could take care of business. I followed Stoney out of the
room, he continually babbled about how he wanted to go home and
go to bed. There was no way I was going to let that happen. So
I constantly followed Stoney around the house as he tried every-which-way
to escape. I wasn’t having any of that!! Once the girls
were finally about to start the show, I forced Stoney into the
bachelor chair. Several times I had to restrain him from running
away as the main bouncer/nerd was stating the rules for the show
and asking people if they needed change.
Damien: These girls did something
that I haven’t seen before in bringing their own lights.
There were 2 cheesy black lights and a clip-on red light. They
insisted that that was all of the light they were going to use.
At first I didn’t get it because I was so fucked up, but
I couldn’t see shit. Neither could anybody else, so people
started complaining to me. I had Miroslov try to turn my dimmer
lights on in the living room where the girls were doing their
thing. They freaked out and said no. Then he tried turning on
the light in another room, and they told us again to turn them
off. Once again Miroslov tries turning up the dimmer lights in
the front room so that we could see what we paid for.
Puke-a-hontas: Once the lights
were up enough for all to see that there really was 2 naked whores
in the room, one of them jumps up and starts screaming and going
ballistic as she runs to the back to Damien’s room. Needless
to say this was a buzz-kill. As the nerdy bouncer goes to Damien’s
room Al follows him. Meanwhile in the front room, Damien gets
on the phone to another agency about getting replacement strippers.
While he’s making his negotiations he kept putting the phone
to the creepy bouncer’s ear so that he could hear that we
didn’t need him. He thought he had Damien by the balls since
we had a house full of horny guys just aching for a show of naked
sluts and it was close to 2am. That was where he was wrong, no
one gets one up on Damien.
Damien: This type of thing
has happened to me before, where we have a party like this that
I didn’t get the girls for and I have to call someone else
to replace them. I don’t know what some of these people
are thinking. What? You think you're the only bitches around
that will fuck each other for cash late at night in front of
a bunch of dudes? Answer: FUCK NO AND FUCK YOU.
Tom Stud: I just stood there
as shit started to happen and watched Damien take control of
the situation. At first Damien was very upfront and stern about
what we had paid for and what we expected to actually see. It’s
kinda hard to see in the dark and we weren’t seeing anything.
Damien: Exactly. We paid to
SEE a show. If I wanted something in the dark, I’ll close
my eyes and jack off.
Aleister: During this whole
time, I was basically behind Damien, not saying a word. I was
keeping an eye on the bouncer fags to make sure there was no
problems.
Tom Stud: I decided to sit
and watch Damien and Al handle the situation because I knew if
I got involved, it could escalate further. We didn’t want
any more problems, we wanted a show. One of the bouncers wanted
to compromise with Damien about the lighting, but his compromise
was hanging a single red light on the fireplace mantle which
added no visual aide to the show. At the same time, the dumb
blonde stripper bitch kept screaming for someone to turn the
lights off that were on in a back room. She wanted no lights
other than what they provided, which was nothing. Damien had
enough of the bullshit. I remember Damien talking on the phone
with the stripper company that provided these girls wondering
why he wasn’t allowed to have the lights on in his own house.
Damien told them that he would get other girls if these wouldn’t
continue with the lights on. While this was happening, the blonde
was in Damien’s room freaking out about the whole situation,
while the other girl was still on the couch finishing up her
lap dance. In a loud, direct tone, Damien was irritated, stared
through and says to her: “What’s it gonna be, do you
want to stay here and make money, or do you want to fuckin leave?
Because if you’re not going to put on a show that we can
actually see, get the fuck out of my house”.
Puke-a-hontas: Now - even though
the psychotic blonde whore took off screaming down the hall to
Damien's room the other naked chick was sitting on a guy grinding
away as if nothing is going on. Not even upset that the lights
were up and the fun looks like it is over.
Damien: In retrospect, that
was pretty funny. After I said it, the bouncer looked at me like
I was on crack. He thought I was kidding and I wasn’t. It
was at this time that I told the bouncers to get their skanks
out of my house because we had some real women on the way who
would do the same job with the lights ON. Being through this
before, I called an agency that rocks and as usual, they delivered.
Twenty minutes after I called Fantasia
- 2 killer women would be arriving and ready to throw down
and the action could then continue…little did I know that
the action, of a different kind, was already going down as we
were waiting for our new pair of women. It is now 2:30 am.
Aleister: As I said I was standing
there quietly, not saying a word, when “Sybil” as I
so lovingly called her directed her anger towards me, telling
me to stop yelling.
Damien: I didn’t understand
that at all. You said nothing to her or anyone else at the time.
That bitch was flying on something.
Aleister: So, in a very calm
voice, I tried to explain to the brainless twat that I have not
opened my mouth once, in anger or any other fashion. She didn’t
get it. So I thought I would show her how it sounds when I do
yell.
Damien: That was great. Al
sounded like the voice he uses in when he sings. You were pretty
loud, that was phat. That cunt deserved it. It was all I could
do not to laugh when that happened.
Aleister: The fear in Stoney’s
eyes was nothing compared to the fear now in her eyes. This set
the wacko off as she began to hit and kick me, I still did nothing.
I let the first one slide. The psycho bitch subsided for a few
and my eyes refocused on nerd boy who was at this time reaching
very slowly behind him. So as I stepped into his face telling
him that whatever he is reaching for – I will kill him with
it. That he is too close to me to pull anything. And to put his
hands back out where I can see them. He was a good boy and listened
well. Now this really set psycho bitch off, and she began to
hit and kick me again. This time I will have none of that. Being
that I will not hit a woman, I did the next best thing that came
to mind. As I moved out of the way of the door for her to leave,
I daringly reached my hand between her nasty legs, grabbing the
lips of her cum-catcher I snapped my fingers and pinched her
lips hard enough to make her scream. She did not lay a hand on
me again.
Damien: That was fucking cool.
She had it coming.
Puke-a-hontas: As I was chatting
with some of the guys - and explaining that NO - I am not going
to strip as a replacement, I hear this commotion from the back
of the house. I begin to hear this fucking bitch start screaming
bloody murder. Sounding as if she is being beaten and raped.
Now for one thing - I know my guys and for another this is my
house too - so I jumped up and ran to the back room. There I
see this psycho bitch screaming and yelling. No one was near
her!.
Puke-a-hontas: The creepy bouncer
and Damien are exchanging words then Al jumps in. They are being
told that we have already called the cops - they wouldn't leave.
That's when I took it upon myself to in a lady-like fashion escort
the screaming psycho slut out of my house. As I rushed her to
the back door all the while yelling at her "to get the fuck
out of my house you skanky slut." Of course I may have used
other choice words. Once out of the door I hear my roomie Damien
yell - "That's my roommate - she rocks!"
StOnEy SToneD: Puke-a-hot-ass
was more like a pitbull of the leash!
Puke-a-hontas: Now - as we
were waiting on the new set of strippers. Stoney again tries
to make a break for it. He of course made it no further than
the screen door. All the while crying that he wanted to go home.
Aleister: The commotion carried
over into the street outside Damien’s pad. “Sybil”
was crying out for help as if she was being raped, even though
no one wanted to lay a hand on the bitch. All we wanted was out
money back and her gone. I can only imagine what D’s neighbors
thought! (laughter)
StOnEy SToneD: The bitches
constant screaming finally got to me and made me want to kick
that three-toothed, carnival workers ass in the mouth
Puke-a-hontas: As we go to
the sidewalk - that psycho slut is still in the middle of the
street screaming and yelling. It was then that I found out she
actually was hitting Al. Now - Al is a very dear friend of mine
and I love that man to death. Since he wouldn't hit her back
I decided to tear her head off myself. Too bad my man Zeus picked
me up and wouldn't let me get close to her, especially since
the cops were on their way. Well, we finally got the psychotic
group to leave and once the cops were gone - the party was back
on! Too bad some guys decided to leave in all the drama.
StOnEy SToneD: This is where
my blackout number two began, I kind of think…
Puke-a-hontas: Now - the arrival
of the new whores. First - they were much more personable than
the first group. And when it was time for them to perform - they
actually put on a SHOW. Not just start off naked and grinding
on all except the groom-to-be.
Aleister: At this point, being
about 3am and everyone still there that was able to stand were
treated to a show by some women that far surpassed the previous
whores.
Puke-a-hontas: Okay the lap
dances begin. I am laughing with the rest of the guys when out
of nowhere Damien comes up and stuffs some cash in my cleavage.
So I am lead to the center of the room and in a blink of an eye
have ass in my face and my hands grabbing tits as the stripper
pulls a handstand in my lap. Wooo Hooooooooooooooooo!
Damien: You wanted it.
Puke-a-hontas: I am sitting
on the couch by my man when I am purchased a whip cream shot
by his brother-in-law. So again I am dragged to the center of
the room and the stripper sits on my lap facing me. She decides
that it should be a fair trade with a shot for me and one for
her. So with all pairs of unblinking, drunken, horny, glazed
eyes on me I lick whip cream off the tart's tit. After I finish
she then pulls my top down and proceeds to lick whip cream off
mine.
Damien: That was hot. You’ve
got a nice rack.
Puke-a-hontas: Gee thank you.
Damien: No problem.
StOnEy SToneD: I must have
been in the Twilight Zone, cuz all I saw was circles, or maybe
I was just staring at your boobs and thought I was in the Twilight
Zone. From what I hear they were bangin!
Damien: Yeah, they are for
sure. Anyways, the girls show ended shortly after that. Last
time I looked at the clock it was almost 6am and Stoney just
left. All I remembered was we had a gig soon and I needed some
sleep, really bad. I crashed and didn’t really wake up until
about 30 minutes before our first song started. It felt brutal,
but apparently we pulled it off pretty good. The show went great
and we sold a ton of gear. So I guess in the end, everything
was ok.
Headbang: I thought that D
and Al looked a bit pale just before the show but did not really
think much of it. The best part was after the show Al and D were
sweating way more than normal and looked kind of green around
the gills. Come to find out a bit later Al blacked out 3 times
while performing. When I heard that I couldn’t help but
laugh my ass off. Every time that I saw D or Al after the show
I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw them. They both looked
like walking corpses! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Good times,
good times.
StOnEy SToneD: To end a long
story, the next thing I know, it’s 6:30 in the morning.
I fall out of a taxicab and am being shoved down the hall by
the old lady into the shower being told that I smelled like a
whorehouse of a thousand women. My blackout number three was
in the shower. I don’t remember going to bed. The hangover
lasted two days in a row.
StOnEy SToneD: Everyone I’ve
talked to since then just points and giggles at me |
