I was driving that night because I owed Damien a night out on the town. I had lost a couple of football bets from last season....that fucker! I was driving and smoking a fat hairball of hippie hay...the night started out just like it should. After taking the scenic route around town for about a half an hour due to some very good hootchie, we pulled up to the bar; you may know the one "Not so Lucky John's too" on the corner of Beach and McFadden in Huntington Beach. We walked in the door of this upper class, fine drinking establishment and immediately ordered a pitcher of Newcastle. The carpets smelled of urine and the walls dripped of flem and stale cigarette smoke. In spite of the fact that the whole fucking state of CALIFORNIA doesn't allow smoking in any bars or restaurants, we proceeded to light one up anyway. Yeah, we sparked a couple of backwoods and grabbed an ashtray from the bartender.

Originally, we had been looking for a game of stick, some 8-Ball...maybe even some 9. We grabbbed our pitcher of Newcastle and headed towards the elegant billiard hall. I mean you should see this place, they spared no effort to avoid making this the most putrid place to hang your stick....that's what drew us to it! Now after about 10 or 15 minutes of hanging out, waiting for a table to open and eating some peanuts that tasted like they just fell out of my radiator....we left and headed back towards the bar. This is where everything begins..............

There weren't many seats open so we drifted over to the left side of the bar where three open seats remained, we took two of them. Damien took the stool on the right, I had the one on the left. If only I had known that "she" was just inches away. I was sitting on the corner of the bar and around the corner there were two seats, just before the exit. In one of them sat the female version of Jabba the Hut! She was about fifty years old, flab for miles, and smelled of cheap beer, b.o and cigarettes. Her teeth were crooked and brown! She weighed easily two-hundred pounds. All she was wearing was a cheap sundress she probably bought at a Chock's for two bucks. She was already wasted and was trying to get my attention. Damien and I were both just trying to ignore her completely while shooting the shit and watching the ESPN highlights on the several not so big screens. She seemed to take a liking to me, and for some reason..just hated Damien.

I mean do you remember when you were three years old and you used to go and push and pinch a girl to let her know that you liked her? Well that's pretty much what she was doing to me, I mean I had bruises the next day, she was smacking me and then asking me to buy her a beer. She REALLY hated Damien though....she took one look at him and it was over. I mean she was calling him a faggot and an asshole, you name it and she called it. Really, she just needed some attention and we knew it so we proceeded to try and ignore her. Well it was pretty damn hard to ignore her when I hear "HEY" along with drool running down her hairy chin and her belly dancing as she lifted up her girdle. She pulled her fucking sundress over her head to expose the very likeness of her sand filled wet socks that hung down to her waist....pretty nasty eh'?

Finally, Damien gets sick of the bitch. This is why I knew he needed a night out. It was bound to happen, Damien finally breaks his silence, looks right at the bitch and asks; "How much do you charge to haunt a house, you fat fucking piece of shit." Everybody in this fine establishment got up from their seats and high fived Damien. It seemed as though the rest of the bar had enough of this battle sow too. Damien really wanted to lick that clit so he proceeded to talk shit to her. Machine gun in mouth, Damien ripped her to shreds. He couldn't be stopped, it was like an automatic tearing through paper cups. She was finally speechless..

At this point, Damien still loaded with beer has got to piss like a greyhound and I just got spilled on by Petunia the Pig so we headed towards the camode to drain the main vein and clean up. As we entered, we heard voices in the end stall. It became suddenly quiet when they realized that somebody else was in the bathroom other than them. As I went to go clean up, Damien whipped out his third leg and starts to flow. That's when Damien and I realized that there was a couple fucking hard in the end stall, right next to us. This was the way to do it, class act. I mean I couldn't think of a better way to turn on some bar skank, then to fuck her in the filth ridden bathroom of "not so lucky john's too". It was a moment to remember for that couple forever, true love. Damien proceeded to mention to them very loudly, "hey you horny fucks!!! You don't need to stop fucking just because we're in here, rock on brotha!!!!! They started laughing and then proceeding with their pseudo honeymoon episode.

We were done shaking the lizard kings and proceeded to head back towards the bar. She was still there and now pissing off other people. Just as we sat down at the bar, we got to witness her pissing some guy off so badly that the bartender {whom was very cool by the way}, had told her, "if I hear one more thing out of your mouth, I'm kicking your nappy ass out and calling the cops, so you just sit there, shut up, and leave these two handsome, young gentlemen alone." and she walked away. Damien and I were loving it and laughing our asses off right in her droopy ass face. It was our turn now!!

All of a sudden Damien transformed himself into that little annoying kid you remember from Elementary school, you know the one.....every school had one. Well now she had one, personally. Damien was all over her like flies on shit. He was laughing at her, pointing, sticking his tongue out at her, making these shrude faces, doing the thing with his hands by his ears..shaping them like a moose and waving them around while telling her, "I dare you to say something you fat ass bitch." "Say something bitch......come on say it....you can do it....you're a fat fucking war pig...you fucking reek like a rotting, rancid, menstrating, syphlitic, pustulent, donkey cunt wound.....AREN'T YOU FUCKING SICK OF ME YET...GET THE FUCK OUT BITCH!!!" I think I just quoted him literally. At this point she couldn't handle the antagonization any longer so she decided to fire away with a few of her own.

Just as the missile was about to land on Damien at his stool....the scud missle of a bartender intercepted the missile and redirected it back at her. The bartender had enough of her, it was so funny, the whole place was loving it and so were we. I mean where else can you literally get away with fucking with someone so badly, get them 86'd and you come out smelling like roses. So now the place was cheering on Damien for his antics then they started in on her too. She was livid with anger. That's when she started swinging!

She smacked some guy upside his skull and threw a beer across another one's face. She was taking em out, one by one and threatening the bartender as she was calling the cops. Me, Damien, and the rest of the place were just sitting back enjoying the comedic nature of this stanky bitch. The only patrons that weren't enjoying the show were the one's actually starring in it. They were getting knocked around by Jabba's fat ass whore. They were trying to protect themselves by grabbing whatever beers they could find and throwing them all over her, probably hoping to wash away some of that body stench of hers with beer....it was classic. She wanted to get fucked badly and she was. I mean she was really getting fucked now.....the cab that the bartender called for her was in the parking lot. We knew this because there was a surveillance camera monitor right above the bar, {next to the not so big screens} and we could see everything that was going on outside. A few guys helped stuff her corpse into the cab. We thought the show was over.

The bartender came over to us and handed us an complimentary pitcher of Newcastle just for being cool fuckers. Just as we were filling our mugs we looked up at the screen and there she mother fucking was. It was unbelievable, the bitch made her way back! She stumbled out of the taxi-cab and was wobbling her way back into the door. "Oh, shit...it's on now!", Damien laughed. Just as she walked through the door, she was greeted by Mr.Jack Daniels himself....right across her fucking face. It seemed as though one of the disgruntled comedians from the show earlier still wanted payback.

She squinted and tried to see through her alcohol filled bags for eyes, but proceeded to come back in and threaten the bartender for kicking her out. Now the whole bar got up to take this bitch outside for good, at least every body but Damien and I. We were too busy enjoying the show, it was great....we had front row seats in the bar and the surveillance monitor for the action outside. It doesn't get any better than that. Besides, we had beer to drink and it was a fresh pitcher.

This is when the bartender broke down and called the cops. It was funny, she got on the P.A. and warned the entire place that the cops were on their way and to get out if they had anything to hide. The place cleared like a back room at Norm's Cafe full of demon possessed roaches after someone shocks the hell out of em by flickin' on the light at 4a.m.! Damien and I looked at each other, puzzled. "How could this be." Damien asked, "This place seemed so classy" as we started laughing our asses off. Not only at her, but at all the tweekers who couldn't stick around for the shows end. Unbenounced to us, it was almost over............Huntington Beaches finest had made their presence known and Jabba's little whore wasn't very happy about it.

Now she's trying to take on the fuzz! It was actually like watching cops LIVE! we were taking turns commentating as we sat at the bar watching the action like a 50 year old virgin at his 1st bachelor party. The cops threw her on the hood of the car and started to frisk her....all at once all of us turned away from the screen. We couldn't bear to watch. It was worse than imagined, I think she queefed because the cops walked away with some fucked up looks on their faces. Either that or she layed out a big, nasty ass air biscuit. They didn't even want this bearded two legged elephant in their car, they couldn't bear it either so this time THEY called her a cab and waited outside with her as she was attempting to make her way back in the bar. Finally, the cab showed up and the cops stuffed her rotten ass in. That driver didn't know what he had just gotten himself into. The cab drove off. The cops decided to come into the bar to check out the scene. I don't think they knew it, but we were watching them through the monitor as they tried to be sneaky, typical of those dirty bastards huh?

That was okay with us though, we had nothing to hide...except that we were dead ass buzzed and it was time to drive home. We didn't care though so we proceeded to drink our beer. It's not over till the fat lady sings, or at least all the beer is gone and we still had more. The pigs left so we poured our alcohol induced asses into the car and drove back to Damiens to crash.

Let it be known that I do not condone or endorse drinking and driving and either does Damien, BUT............................
THIS TIME I DIDN'T GET A DUI......
GOTCHA THIS TIME LITTLE PIGGIES!